Really the Most Horrible Thing
by cuddlebearlove
Summary: Spin off of the Most Horrible Thing. Severus gives 'the talk' to Draco and Harry. I would suggest reading the first one first, because it is referenced. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: Not mine

Really the Most Horrible Thing

Draco knocked on his godfather's door.

"Enter." came the response.

Draco strolled in and sat opposite Severus Snape.

"What did you want to see me about, Severus?"

"We are waiting for one other person. Then I shall tell you."

The two had only to wait a few more minutes. Again, the door was knocked on and again Severus gave the same response.

Harry Potter entered his hated professor's office with much trepidation. The last time he had been in a professor's office, Dumbledore had explained sex to him. He was almost looking forward to a chat with Snape compared to that.

"Potter?" Draco asked.

"Malfoy?" Harry asked.

"What's going on, Severus?"

"Why are you calling your head of house by his first name?" Harry asked Draco.

"Mind your business, Potter. Severus, what is going on?"

"Potter, take a seat." Snape commanded.

As the only vacant seat was next to Draco, Harry had no choice but to sit next to him.

"Now that you are both here, we are going to have a talk about sex."

"What?" exclaimed Harry and Draco simultaneously.

"You heard me. Now-"

"Um, Professor, sir. It's okay. Professor Dumbledore gave me the talk last week." Harry said.

"Professor Dumbledore? Really?" asked Malfoy chuckling.

"I am aware that the headmaster spoke with you. However, as his explanation undoubtedly involved lemon drops and waiting until you are much older for the right person to come along, I feel you need a more realistic approach."

"Why do you care, though?" asked Harry.

"I care that Draco has the correct information because he is my godson. I care that you have all the correct information because the last thing in this world that I want is a bunch of baby Potters running around."

"Your godson?"

"What's the matter, Potter? Jealous that my godfather isn't a murdering madman?" Draco sneered.

"I don't know how to tell you this, Malfoy, but your godfather is a smelly, greasy-haired git."

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Potter. Now if we could please get this over with. I know you both are already aware of the differences between men and women, so we will go right to the sex. When two people are attracted to each other, they will often have sex. This is a fun, enjoyable experience that can have awful repercussions. In order to prevent this repercussions, proper protection must be taken."

Professor Snape described in great detail the various potions that could be used to prevent pregnancy. Harry and Draco sat, presumably listening intently. In all actuality, both were thinking about quidditch.

When he was finished with his potions discussion, Snape began to explain the raging hormones of males.

"Wait," Harry interrupted, "Dumbledore said there were charms you could use."

"Why would anyone want to use a charm when potions are available that accomplish the same thing?" Snape asked.

"Because, I'm not that good at brewing potions."

"Then you can't have sex." answered his professor seriously, while Draco smirked.

"I don't see how my ability to brew a potion affects my ability to have relations with a girl." Harry answered.

"'Have relations,' Potter? Is that how the headmaster worded it?"

"Yes, sir."

"Moving on-"

Professor Snape carried on for quite some time about foreplay, not fathering children with too many women and, frighteningly enough, bondage. Draco and Harry made eye contact once and both shared a look of absolute disgust. Then Snape moved on to other topics.

"Now, being gay is accepted in the wizarding world. Draco, as the last of the Malfoys, you will be expected to sire children to carry on the family name. Likewise, Potter, you are the last in your bloodline, so it would be preferable if you were gay."

"Sometimes groups gather to enjoy the activities of one another. This can be enjoyable if you have no discretion whatsoever. Potter, it is the kind of thing I would expect from you and your house."

"I resent that." Harry stated.

"I don't care." Snape said. "This brings us to animals. Don't do it. Now-"

"I have a question." said Malfoy, still smirking.

"Yes?"

"What about half-breeds?"

"Please be articulate, Draco. What about them?"

"If a person has sex with a vampire or werewolf, will they turn into one?"

"Why in the name of Merlin are you asking that, Malfoy?" Harry asked.

"Curiosity." he answered while shooting Harry a significant look he hoped the other boy would understand.

"No you will not turn into one. In conclussion-"

"That must be a relief to you then, huh Professor?"

"Whatever do you mean, Potter."

"That people can sleep with you without fear of turning into a vampire."

"Ten points from Gryffindor. In conclusion-

"Wait." Draco said. "Can you explain the logistics behind half-giants?"

"What?"

"Well, it doesn't seem possible. How can a giant and a human create a half-giant. The sheer physics of it is maddening."

"No, I can not. In concl-"

"Professor?" Harry asked, cottoning on to what Malfoy was doing. "How do you know when you are emotionally stable enough to have sex?"

"You will never be that emotionally stable. In co-

"Hey Severus? I was wondering if you thought my parents would be okay with me having children with a half-blood."

"If by okay, you mean that they would disown you and quite possibly kill you, then yes. They would be very okay with it. In con-

"Professor Snape?" Harry asked. "Is there a big fuss made with teacher/student relationships?"

Malfoy smirked at the odd look on his godfather's face. He inwardly commended Harry for his ingenuity.

"Why?"

"I was too afraid to ask Professor Dumbledore."

"Please don't tell me that a teacher in this school is engaging in such activities with a student who happens to be a minor."

"No. I was just curious."

"They are not allowed. In conclus-"

"Hey, Sev?"

"How many times have I told you not to call me that?"

"Not nearly as many times as you've told me not to call you Sevey." Malfoy answered cheekily.

"That's enough. In conclussion, sex is not something to be taken lightly. While it is fun, it brings great responsibility. Draco, don't knock anyone up before you finish school. Potter, do try not to knock anyone up. You are both dismissed."

Severus was quite relieved to get the little diviants out of his office. The two teens were equally glad to be out.

"Did you know why you were coming to his office today?" Harry asked Draco when they were safely away from Snape.

"Had I known I wouldn't have shown up."

"Me, either."

"What was more traumatic, Potter? Severus or Dumbledore?"

"Definitely Snape. I'll have nightmares from this, whereas I was just truly freaked by Professor Dumbledore."

"I feel dirty and am going to go shower now. See you around- Harry."

Back in the Gryffindor common room, Harry had just arrived.

"What did Professor Git want, Harry?" Ron asked.

"Are you in trouble?" Hermione questioned.

"No." Harry said stiffly.

"You all right, mate?"

"No."

"Harry, what's wrong?" Hermoine asked, becoming quite alarmed. "Is it Voldemort?"

"No."

"Come on, Harry. What happened?" Ron asked.

"Do you- do you remember how last week, Professor Dumbledore gave me 'the talk'?"

"Yeah." both his friends answered together.

"Remember how you said it could get worse, Hermione?"

"Yeah."

"It got worse."

Both Ron and Hermione gasped.

"You don't mean-" Ron asked, even as Harry nodded his head.

"Professor Snape?" asked Hermione.

Harry nodded again. "Draco was there, too."

"Why?"

"Malfoy?"

"Because Snape is his godfather and he felt Draco could use it."

"Harry, why are you calling Malfoy by his first name?"

"We bonded through our shared mental anguish."

"Oh well, Harry. It could always be worse." Hermione said brightly.

"How?" Ron asked.

"It could have been Professor McGonagall."

A/N: This was suggested by a reviewer of the story this accompanies. Hope you all like it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the other story. I appreciate you all. Please review:)


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